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“A version of that. Nouveau riche royalty.” She tried to read his expression and found she had no idea what he was thinking. “So how am I coming across—as a poor whining little rich-girl, bewailing her lot in life?”He was leaning back against the carved-stone railing that ran around the patio, regarding her intently. “That all depends.”She raised an inquiring eyebrow. “On what?”“Truthful answer?”“God, you have me scared now. Go on—I didn’t need to share all that, so let me have it. I’m sure I deserve it, whatever it is.”“Okay then… here goes. It boils down to whether you got the balls—the ovaries, whatever—to back up what you just said. You’re bored here, but are you bored enough to give this up?” He indicated the whole thing, including the part he was digging. “Are you determined enough to do something else? You could leave tomorrow—fly back to England, go to Europe or New York. I got a friend there who’s an artist—I mean, I know shit about art, but I do know she’s good and she’s. The months following her passing were very difficult for me emotionally, and I was having a hard time dealing with the grief, and the guilt. I had periodically struggled with bouts of guilt since high school, when I began to use masturbation to help deal with stress and insecurities. Back then, it was referred to as “abusing oneself”. I tried to stay busy and exercise to manage these urges, but when that did not work, masturbation (usually in conjunction with anal stimulation) became my “drug of choice”, as it were. I thought marriage would alleviate the need for this, and it did, for a while. But, compulsive, addictive behaviors are hard to break, and I found myself despairing over my lack of self-control. An even greater threat to my battered conscience was my growing desire for close physical intimacy with another male. Throughout my life, my traditional Southern upbringing and church teaching consistently taught me that such desires and behaviors are, at best, morally disordered,.
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